


Autonomy

by ilyhyuckie



Series: NCT Oneshots [8]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Dry heaving, Flashbacks, How do I tag?, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Phobia, Phobias, Sad, a mess, jeno and renjun only want to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 14:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15121910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilyhyuckie/pseuds/ilyhyuckie
Summary: autophobia/monophobia/islophobia(n) the fear of abandonment.orjaemin pulls himself into a panic attack and jeno and renjun don't know what to do or how to help.





	Autonomy

**Author's Note:**

> in this we're gonna pretend that jaemin had a tragic background this may be triggering for some people so please proceed with caution. also this is absolute trash so i'm sorry whoever requested this.

jaemin never believed in love, ever. he had grown up in a unstable environment, always getting beaten for things that weren't his fault or just for fun, his parents were alcoholics, they would always yell at each other and 6 year old jaemin had already been immune to the lashes they laid on his back before he cried himself to sleep. 

this caused him to have a serious case of autophobia, the fear of abandonment, he had always been abandoned since he was young, his family members turning their eyes on his side of the family and not bothering to help him out, his parents only paying attention when they were trying to hurt him and this went on for years till he entered 7th grade and he was 13 at the time, never home and always out with a friend, only coming back home late when they were passed out on the couch and despite them never doing anything for him, he always cleaned up their empty beer bottles and did the chores.

it all stopped when his aunt and uncle had come back to korea, they had gone abroad when jaemin was only 4 and things were just starting to get bad for jaemin, they had come to visit jaemin and his deadbeat parents but they didn't catch on to what was going until one day they visited in the middle of jaemin getting abused by his parents and immediately called the police.

his aunt and uncle were more than happy to taken him in, jaemin had already become closed off person and refused to get close to them no matter how grateful he was to his family for taking him out of that hell hole he called a home.

when he became a trainee at sm entertainment, he found himself actually laughing and smiling more, there were two boys his age, donghyuck and jeno, who he easily got along with, donghyuck was dating mark who was a year older than them, the star trainee of sm. there was also a small boy named jisung who was usually quiet but could be loud if he wanted to.

years went by and they were finally told they would debut next year, during this time jaemin had developed a little crush on jeno, and despite his sad background, no one truly knew about, he really felt like opening up to him but closed his mouth because he couldn't bring himself to do it.

5 months before they were going to debut in their nct sub-unit, nct dream, two boys from china came to sm, they were all bright eyed and shy but the members happily welcomed them, donghyuck easily becoming his loud and extra self around them, mark was much more reserved but still polite and the only thing jisung could focus on was a cheery and bright chenle.

because jisung had already stolen chenle from them, instantly becoming the maknae duo and mark and donghyuck were busy sucking each others faces off that left jeno and jaemin with a cute and excited renjun.

renjun easily adapted into the two's little pair, becoming a known trio, wherever one of them was the other two were their as well, everything was fine until go promotions, thoughts about his parents or anything hadn't really crossed his mind ever really, nothing bothered him as much as before despite still being closed off.

jaemin was sat in his, jeno's and renjun's room, he usually wasn't left alone much, or at all for this long, but renjun insisted he stay put while jeno and him went to the store.

because he hadn't really been left alone, he hadn't ever had really ever stopped to think about his life up to that point, he knew he was falling for renjun and jeno quickly and that thought scared him till no end, he had never believed in love, he didn't even know what it was, let alone know how to give it back properly, jaemin tried to calm himself down, he hadn't had a panic attack in years since his parents left but things weren't looking so good.

the thought of jeno and renjun eventually leaving and abandoning him were somewhere in his mind jumbled up with the flashback of his parents beating him constantly, jaemin immediately slipped to the floor pressing his back against the small rocking himself back and forth covering his ears as his the sounds of his parents screaming and glass breaking were in his head.

to make matters worse he could actually hear the boys outside his room being loud and yelling, til he heard something shatter in the living room, the noise pierced through jaemin's brain, and he whimpered breaking out into a sob, "make it stop- please no more." jaemin said even though no one was in the room.

jaemin continued to rock back and forth thoughts of abandonment and his past jumbling up together. he was having difficulty breathing and it was like he was gasping for air but no actual air came into his lungs, he whimpered again, tears streaming again.

jaemin could feel cold hands wrapping around his wrists prying the hands from off his ears, and he cried harder "please don't, i've been good- please." 

"jaemin, do you hear me, please baby i know you hear me, just breathe."

jaemin could hear the voice but the words weren't processing in his head.

"come on, look at me, breathe with me baby." jeno was in jaemin's line of vision pressing jaemin's hand against his chest.

jaemin took a deep breathe trying to his vision steady.

"thats it jaeminnie, you're doing so well." renjun was close but not too close as to make him feel claustrophobic.

jaemin heard another shout from outside and his breath spread up again, ripping his hand away from jeno's. "make it stop please- i can''t do this, i can't" jaemin started to babble tears falling on his face.

"stop what? please tell us, we want to help." jeno said heartbreaking into two as he watched the boy cower in on himself.

jaemin shook his head burying his face in his knees, his sobs punching renjun and jeno in the heart.

jeno and renjun didn't know what do none of them usually got panic attacks save for donghyuck.

"wanna try breathing with me again?" jeno asked, jaemin visibly shook his head whole body trembling he heaved and sobbed.

"you have to calm down jaemin, you have to tell what's wrong so we can help you." jaemin slowly lifted his head up still rocking back and forth, "screaming, glass, lonely." jaemin slurred his words and another shout from outside had his head burying in his knees again.

renjun was about to get up when jaemin started to yell, "no please! don't leave, you cant- you can't leave me-" renjun immediately knelt back down beside jaemin.

"i'm not going anywhere, come on breathe with me, i know you can, you're such a good boy, you know?' renjun softly encouraged, jaemin matched his breathing with renjun's, all the shouting had stopped for some reason and jaemin was finally able to think clearer now, breathing in and out when renjun told him to.

soon enough jaemin was alright and his breathing was back to normal, but he looked extremely tired.

"you alright now?" jeno asked. 

jaemin nodded with minimum energy.

"i'm going to move you now okay?" jeno continued.

jaemin nodded again and was picked up and placed on the bed by jeno, renjun following close behind.

jaemin pressed himself against jeno and renjun needing the warmth and reassurance that they were there.

"wanna talk about it?" renjun asked drawing circles in jaemin's forearm.

jaemin nodded again but didn't actually say anything for a couple minutes.

jeno and renjun didn't mind and they were patient.

"im scared you two will leave me, i can't stop thinking about my parents and how they always hit me and made me feel alone, i don't want feel like that again, please don't leave me." jaemin spoke quietly,

"oh jaemin... we wont ever leave you, we promise, your parents are trash for ever doing something like that too you." jeno answered.

renjun silently agreed.

"really? you won't leave me?" jaemin asked softly. "never, we love you so much." renjun said kissing jaemin's cheek.

jaemin smiled, he didn't think he would ever recover if the two most important people to him were suddenly to not want him back.

and whenever jaemin felt like they didn't want him anymore jeno and renjun were there to assure him, he would always be wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> REQUESTS?


End file.
